I Miss Who I Was Before the Grief

Yesterday, I was looking at pictures of myself from before my brother took his life. I was smiling, working on my business ventures, and truly feeling like I was living in my purpose. I cried because I miss that version of myself—the one untouched by grief.

Grief is confusing. I miss my brother deeply and would do anything to have him back. But I also miss me—the person I was before this happened. It feels like I’ve lost two people: my brother and myself. I’m learning that grief isn’t just about losing someone you love. It’s about losing parts of yourself, too.

Navigating this grief has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. One moment, I feel okay—like myself again—and the next, I just want to shut out the world and stay in bed all day. Grief isn’t consistent.

There are days when I try to dive back into my work, hoping to find the same joy and purpose I had before my brother died. But it doesn’t feel the same. Before, I was healing—healing from childhood trauma, from abuse—and I was genuinely happy because I was making progress. Then, when my brother passed, it felt like I had to start all over again. Once more, I’m healing, but this time from something new and yet something familiar. I can’t help but wonder if the same childhood trauma we both experienced is what led him to leave this earth.

I’m coming to understand that healing, like grief, is not consistent.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get back to who I was before my brother passed. But then I question if that’s even realistic. Maybe this pain and grief I’m experiencing is something God will use for a greater purpose. Perhaps the person I was before my brother’s death isn’t the person equipped to face the purpose God has for me now. I know God uses all things for good, but there are moments when I struggle to see any good that can come from suicide.

I’ve never lost someone close to me before, but losing someone to suicide feels like a different kind of grief. There are so many questions that will never have answers, and I’m learning to accept and navigate that uncertainty.

Grief has reshaped me in ways I never expected, and while I’m learning to live with it, I can’t help but miss the version of myself that existed before this pain. Just as I miss my brother, I also miss her—the person I used to be. It’s a strange reality I have to accept: grieving who I was while stepping into who I’m becoming.

I’m trusting God through this process, leaning on Him more than ever. I know He’s with me. I know He will never leave me. And even though I feel changed, I believe this pain can be used to help others navigate this terrible thing called grief.

I miss you, Dylan. And I miss you, too, Madilyne.

But now, it’s time to step forward into the new.